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Help, am stuck in a hurtful relationship

Written by Kellen Kenlyn Nakaye

Toxic dating relationships can be difficult to exit but it is possible to move on from them. Let us identify what a toxic relationship is, why you can be stuck in one, and what to do to let it go.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 gives us a blueprint of what a healthy relationship should look like;

Two are better than one; because they have a more satisfying return for their labour. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion: but woe to him who is alone when he falls and does not have another to lift him up.

In a toxic relationship, nothing is mutual! Rather it is about one person trying to control another. People become controlling when they harden their hearts towards God. This lack of submission to God rips them of the natural joy and peace that comes from having that relationship so they turn to selfishly using others to find their joy.

Toying with another person’s emotions and mind just to be seen and served even when there is nothing worth being recognized and applauded for is what thrills a toxic person’s life. This tendency is mostly referred to as Narcissism in today’s psychology and it is the major contributor to a relationship being toxic.

Narcissists are people who have an inflated sense of self-worth. They don’t submit to God because they see themselves as a god. Their prideful nature tells them that they are above everyone and everyone ought to stand in awe of them yet most of the time, there is seldom anything worthy of praise in their lives. They only act like they are good but at heart, they harbor the evil of continually seeking to pull others down so they can always seem ahead of everyone.

Let me draw a picture of a toxic relationship for you using my own experience;

MAKING EXCUSES FOR IMMORALITY

We were both professing Christians and so when it came to dating I expected and even proposed we were to pursue purity. He agreed to it but he kept disrespecting the boundaries I set because he was not willing to exercise self-control. To dismiss my boundaries intended to observe purity, he kept calling marriage “it’s just a paper” claiming that hanging out outdoors was for people who don’t want to get married and, that since he observes all the other Christian values, engaging in sexual sin wouldn’t be that big of a deal!” While I didn’t give in to sex, keeping him around was very detrimental to me because I was constantly having to deal with the manipulation, threats, and emotional abuse in his effort to break my confidence and cause me to give in.

NEVER APOLOGIZING FOR / ADMITTING WRONG

He could never be wrong even if he was obviously wrong. Instead, he would play the victim always and shift the blame. This is typical of narcissistic people because they always don’t care enough about the other person or the relationship to take responsibility for their mistake and apologize for it.

DECEPTIVE SPEECH

He was always twisting the word of God to fit his wants. Like how could he dismiss my persistence on us pursuing holy matrimony instead of the cohabiting and first having children that he was proposing by claiming “Marriage is just a paper.” No, it’s not. It is a covenant built on godly character and it matters to follow godly steps to enter it. 

You see having a child with someone and leaving with them before marriage does not guarantee that they will marry you and that God blesses your relationship! 

Beware lest any man spoil you through Philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ. – Colossians 2:8

The list goes on and on so let me leave it at that and go into  why you could be staying in that kind of relationship and what you need to know so you can let go; 

Fear of being alone

Desperately wanting other people’s company because you believe the lie that when you are single you are alone is how so many of us end up allowing whoever comes instead of the appropriate one. The truth is, we cannot be with a person 24/7 minute by minute, even a spouse but we are never alone because God is ever present with us.

……”I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” – God, Hebrews 13:5

The sunk cost fallacy

This is the phenomenon where a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial.

Yes after we have invested time, effort, and money in a relationship, it can be so hurtful to have to choose to walk away from it but let me ask you this question. If you knew all the things that make him/her a bad choice before investing, would you still be choosing him/her to be a part of your life?

Low self-esteem

I am not good enough, nobody can truly choose or love me, I don’t have what it takes to get the best, etc are the kinds of thoughts that constantly run through your mind when you have low self-esteem. Then, they make you latch onto anyone that asks you out, brushing off every red flag/ undesirable character you see about them because you do not want to deal with the lies you have believed about yourself. It is not a relationship that validates you. You are already valid as God’s creation and he even gave Jesus to die in your place (John 3:16) so you can live and accomplish the exploits he created you for!

Other popular reasons I will not elaborate here include; you already engaged, you have had sex and you have had a child. All these and the above are not valid reasons to stay in a toxic dating relationship because it only tears you apart.

SO HOW DO YOU GET OUT?

For me it was realizing that I don’t have to earn marriage through excruciating pain. I was holding on because I really wanted to get married. I looked at marriage as where true living would begin so much that i’d put pursuing my goals on hold just to first solidify a relationship!

Toxic relationships cause much more pains compared to the ones you think you will experience by being single. Yes, singleness may not be desirable when you are of marriage age but it is not a prison, and God’s way out for you cannot be through a demeaning, destructive relationship. He has good plans for you (Jeremiah 29:11) including; giving you a loving, supportive spouse in his perfect time.

To this end, trust God and ask him to give you the strength to let go because you cannot talk a person into doing right by you. For me to let go, God gave me a dream where I saw myself trying to talk to this person to make the right decision but he wasn’t yielding to me and the situation got worse when I persisted so I had to just step aside.

Also, surround yourself with people who are in healthy relationships (such as a thriving married Christian couple). This can help you to weigh if what you are in will really lead to a happy ending or not and inspire you to let go of someone who doesn’t treat you as per God’s standards.

If you’re a Single Lady reading this, check out my new book, “Journey to Wholeness”

 

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4 powerful benefits of de-cluttering your home

Written by Kellen 

De-cluttering your home means that you simply decide on the items you want to keep in it, get proper storage spaces for those items and then chose what to do with the items you do not want to keep which can be either to trash, sell or give away. It also involves making sure you have a proper system of handling rubbish around the house.

Organizing your home always comes with its own benefits such as;

Being able to pray in your home

I did not always take into consideration how much a well-organized home can have a positive impact on its occupants until I experienced the negative impact that came with living my bedroom in our family house untidy. One of the things I always wanted to do in there was to have personal prayer time with God yet the mess in the room always hindered me. Once I intentionally got it in order by storing neatly the things I chose to keep in that room and making sure the floor was not littered, then I even managed to create a special corner in the room that was designated for prayer! I think what used to stop me was the anxiety about how long it would take me to get rid of the untidiness in the room before could invite God in. I don’t always feel comfortable praying in a super disorganized place. Do you?

Time management

Since tidying up allows you to have a storage space for everything, you do not have to waste a lot of time looking for lost things in your house.

Saves you money

Getting your home organized lets you know of its capacity so you don’t have to impulse buy things you don’t even need at the moment because you already will know they do not have a space to be kept in. Also you do not end up buying new stuff just to replace stuff you already have but you just can’t find because they are lost in the mess.

You can be creative

In a well-organized space, it is easy to think up new ideas and see them through because you would not have visual reminders of clutter that drain your cognitive resources and reduce your ability to focus. In 2011, neuroscience researchers using fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging) and other physiological measurements found clearing clutter from the home and work environment resulted in a better ability to focus and process information, as well as increased productivity.

Organizing and especially staying organized can be challenging but it is possible to get started and maintain it. You can do this through planning and scheduling your de-cluttering routine with the use of a Home organization planner such as the one I made. Get it here

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How to feel confident and look elegant in your clothes

Written by Kellen Kenlyn Nakaye

Clothes tend to affect your mood and how you come off to others. In that case, you want to pick clothes that make you feel confident as a person and unforgettable to others. Here are a few tips on achieving just that with your outfits;

Make sure your clothes fit

On this, I have nothing much to say other than endeavour to buy from stores that allow you to fit in before you purchase your clothes so you can take home clothes that cover you properly, especially the sensual parts of your body. Modesty is key to looking elegant.

Dress for your shape

Trends change fast, and the truth is not every fashion trend looks good on everybody’s body. It’s important in that case that learn your body shape and chose outfits that complement it.

Personally, I am an Inverted triangle shape, so I look more chic and elegant in A-line dresses or skirts than I would in body-hugging dresses or pencil skirts.

Take time to study body shape types to get an ultimate guide on choosing clothes for your shape.

Choose quality

The key to dressing elegantly is to choose quality over quantity. Yes, here in Uganda we have second-hand cloth markets where you can get pieces for as low as UGX5000. But those clothes quickly lose colour when you wash them, often have damage/ holes in them, and easily tear.

Next time you buy something, think about it in terms of cost per wear. If you buy a UGX5000 top and only wear it 5 times, it costs UGX1000 per wear. But if you buy a UGX40000 top and wear it 50 times, it only costs UGX800 per wear. That shows that quality clothes even though expensive in the short run, are much cheaper and you get a lot of wear out of them.

Be kin on Colour matching

An outfit of one colour like bold black is safe but we all want to play with some colours every now and then so here are a few tips to make great colour combo outfits;

1. The same colour in two different shades; 

           

2. One primary colour with its secondary colour.
Below, Yellow and green, yellow being the primary and green (mixture of yellow and blue) is the secondary or Red and Purple, red being the primary and purple (mixture of red and blue) the secondary;
          

3. If you want to push the envelope a bit and go for three colours in one outfit: 

Stick to the combination of either:

a) Two primary colours and one secondary;

or b) use a primary colour, tertiary colour, and maybe a secondary colour or a different shade of a primary colour.

Now if to this end you have been confused about the whole colour naming, refer to the chat below;
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Productivity hacks to beat procrastination when working from home

For most of us, home has always been a place to rest and replenish but the world has changed so much and now it is a common thing to have an office incorporated in one’s house. I personally have been working from home for three years now and yes, it can be easy to fall back, get caught up in house chores or watch a lot of TV and procrastinate on the work that gets you paid. Nevertheless, there are few things you can do to get productive.

First, de-clutter your home. Simply get rid of clutter by keeping everything you desire to keep in it’s designated area in your house and either give or throw away whatever remains unplaced. When you do this, you create a peaceful environment in which you can creatively work. Remember it is peace that passes on all understanding (Philippians 4:7). The thing about being in cluttered places is that you will have your attention divided between what you are trying to do and the mess that surrounds you hence constraining your productivity. Mike Murdock emphasized that “The only reason men fail is because of broken focus.”

Secondly, listen to faith building messages. When you believe that you can achieve what you’ve set your heart to, action is inspired. Since faith comes by hearing, endeavor to listen to information that propels you to act on your goals. Listen to information that will help you develop the right habits to become the person you need to become to get your work done. You become what you repetitively hear.

For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he….. – Proverbs 23:7

Another technique to consider is working in time frames. Set the timer on your phone for a given length of time and focus on a single task within that time period. This is a great way to stay focused and not have your time wasted while being distracted by things like checking your phone for social media updates. Once your focus is unbroken, you accomplish what was seemingly impossible

Lastly, set/review your day’s program the night before. This is you simply  planning for your day, writing down the necessary steps to take in order to get out of the day with some progress towards your most important goals. It is what we do day by day that enables us to accomplish great things.

 

Remember God loves you and values you.

Love, Kay

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What to do when your Joy is drained

 
To wake up to the sunlight, with peace of mind, a body full of strength, the company of amazing people, the freedom to go where ever you want to go and the money to buy whatever you want to buy would be the ideal perfect day/ kind of life for the majority of us. We take on such days with enthusiasm and vigor. Nevertheless, there comes a day you don’t even want to get out of bed, can’t get yourself started on doing anything, and are hit so hard with discouragement. What just happened? where did my strength and enthusiasm go? you might ask. 
Well, you have an enemy named satan who will stop at nothing to rob your joy which is your strength.
Then he said to them, “Go your way. Eat the fat and drink sweet wine and send portions to anyone who has nothing ready, for this day is holy to our Lord. And do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10
When the Psalmist insists that in God’s presence is fullness of joy, it means that your absence in God’s presence will definitely leave you drained of Joy.
 
 
 

Have you been praying regularly lately? Have you been responding to moments of sadness, weariness, or loneliness by rushing to the word of God to get yourself reminded of his promises or you’ve instead been choosing to distract yourself with movies and the company of friends who do not even point you back to God’s goodness? 

As a way to maintain your joy, Matt Chandler a writer on the blog Desiring God emphasizes that “fill your life with things that stir your affection for Jesus and pay attention to keeping away from your heart the things that rob you of those affections, even if those things are morally neutral”

Personally, I have noticed in my own life that when am not regularly spending time with God in prayer and in his word, I start having anxiety, depression, and discouragement. I have also noticed that when you are distancing yourself from God, it is easy for you to fall for Satan’s lies which are usually ideas intended to push you in harm’s way and ultimately destroy you because he is a killer and a destroyer.

So, anytime you’re unhappy, push yourself to God. If you feel like you don’t have the words to say to Him in prayer, ask him to speak to you; He always has something to say to us his children and He said we can hear his voice.
My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. John 10:27

God loves you dearly,

Yours truly,
Kellen