Help, am stuck in a hurtful relationship

Written by Kellen Kenlyn Nakaye

Toxic dating relationships can be difficult to exit but it is possible to move on from them. Let us identify what a toxic relationship is, why you can be stuck in one, and what to do to let it go.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 gives us a blueprint of what a healthy relationship should look like;

Two are better than one; because they have a more satisfying return for their labour. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion: but woe to him who is alone when he falls and does not have another to lift him up.

In a toxic relationship, nothing is mutual! Rather it is about one person trying to control another. People become controlling when they harden their hearts towards God. This lack of submission to God rips them of the natural joy and peace that comes from having that relationship so they turn to selfishly using others to find their joy.

Toying with another person’s emotions and mind just to be seen and served even when there is nothing worth being recognized and applauded for is what thrills a toxic person’s life. This tendency is mostly referred to as Narcissism in today’s psychology and it is the major contributor to a relationship being toxic.

Narcissists are people who have an inflated sense of self-worth. They don’t submit to God because they see themselves as a god. Their prideful nature tells them that they are above everyone and everyone ought to stand in awe of them yet most of the time, there is seldom anything worthy of praise in their lives. They only act like they are good but at heart, they harbor the evil of continually seeking to pull others down so they can always seem ahead of everyone.

Let me draw a picture of a toxic relationship for you using my own experience;

MAKING EXCUSES FOR IMMORALITY

We were both professing Christians and so when it came to dating I expected and even proposed we were to pursue purity. He agreed to it but he kept disrespecting the boundaries I set because he was not willing to exercise self-control. To dismiss my boundaries intended to observe purity, he kept calling marriage “it’s just a paper” claiming that hanging out outdoors was for people who don’t want to get married and, that since he observes all the other Christian values, engaging in sexual sin wouldn’t be that big of a deal!” While I didn’t give in to sex, keeping him around was very detrimental to me because I was constantly having to deal with the manipulation, threats, and emotional abuse in his effort to break my confidence and cause me to give in.

NEVER APOLOGIZING FOR / ADMITTING WRONG

He could never be wrong even if he was obviously wrong. Instead, he would play the victim always and shift the blame. This is typical of narcissistic people because they always don’t care enough about the other person or the relationship to take responsibility for their mistake and apologize for it.

DECEPTIVE SPEECH

He was always twisting the word of God to fit his wants. Like how could he dismiss my persistence on us pursuing holy matrimony instead of the cohabiting and first having children that he was proposing by claiming “Marriage is just a paper.” No, it’s not. It is a covenant built on godly character and it matters to follow godly steps to enter it. 

You see having a child with someone and leaving with them before marriage does not guarantee that they will marry you and that God blesses your relationship! 

Beware lest any man spoil you through Philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ. – Colossians 2:8

The list goes on and on so let me leave it at that and go into  why you could be staying in that kind of relationship and what you need to know so you can let go; 

Fear of being alone

Desperately wanting other people’s company because you believe the lie that when you are single you are alone is how so many of us end up allowing whoever comes instead of the appropriate one. The truth is, we cannot be with a person 24/7 minute by minute, even a spouse but we are never alone because God is ever present with us.

……”I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” – God, Hebrews 13:5

The sunk cost fallacy

This is the phenomenon where a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial.

Yes after we have invested time, effort, and money in a relationship, it can be so hurtful to have to choose to walk away from it but let me ask you this question. If you knew all the things that make him/her a bad choice before investing, would you still be choosing him/her to be a part of your life?

Low self-esteem

I am not good enough, nobody can truly choose or love me, I don’t have what it takes to get the best, etc are the kinds of thoughts that constantly run through your mind when you have low self-esteem. Then, they make you latch onto anyone that asks you out, brushing off every red flag/ undesirable character you see about them because you do not want to deal with the lies you have believed about yourself. It is not a relationship that validates you. You are already valid as God’s creation and he even gave Jesus to die in your place (John 3:16) so you can live and accomplish the exploits he created you for!

Other popular reasons I will not elaborate here include; you already engaged, you have had sex and you have had a child. All these and the above are not valid reasons to stay in a toxic dating relationship because it only tears you apart.

SO HOW DO YOU GET OUT?

For me it was realizing that I don’t have to earn marriage through excruciating pain. I was holding on because I really wanted to get married. I looked at marriage as where true living would begin so much that i’d put pursuing my goals on hold just to first solidify a relationship!

Toxic relationships cause much more pains compared to the ones you think you will experience by being single. Yes, singleness may not be desirable when you are of marriage age but it is not a prison, and God’s way out for you cannot be through a demeaning, destructive relationship. He has good plans for you (Jeremiah 29:11) including; giving you a loving, supportive spouse in his perfect time.

To this end, trust God and ask him to give you the strength to let go because you cannot talk a person into doing right by you. For me to let go, God gave me a dream where I saw myself trying to talk to this person to make the right decision but he wasn’t yielding to me and the situation got worse when I persisted so I had to just step aside.

Also, surround yourself with people who are in healthy relationships (such as a thriving married Christian couple). This can help you to weigh if what you are in will really lead to a happy ending or not and inspire you to let go of someone who doesn’t treat you as per God’s standards.

If you’re a Single Lady reading this, check out my new book, “Journey to Wholeness”